> > Dear Doctor Rude, > > I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you > explain to me the difference between the following kisses? > > 1. Aristotelian kiss > 2. Hegelian kiss > 3. Wittgensteinian kiss > 4. Godelian kiss > > Signed, > Flummoxed in Florida > > > Dear Flummoxed, > > That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on > secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed > to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear > summary of some of these important types of kisses: > > > Aristotelian kiss -- a kiss performed using techniques gained solely > from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data > by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway. > > Hegelian kiss -- a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates > its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss. > > Wittgensteinian kiss -- the important thing about this type of kiss is > that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental > representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which > must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for > obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even > similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than > the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make > unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience > thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor. > > Godelian kiss -- a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet > leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not. > > > Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list--here are just a few other > classic kisses: > > > Socratic kiss -- actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be > the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, > compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander > around a lot more and cover more ground. > > Kantian kiss -- a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is > performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't > actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it > the best kiss you've ever given or received. > > Kafkaesque kiss -- a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to > transform you but ends up just bugging you. > > Sartrean kiss -- a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even > though it really doesn't matter anyway. > > Russell-Whiteheadian kiss -- a formal kiss in which each lip and > tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even > though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow. > > Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss -- Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me. > > Pythagorean kiss -- a kiss given by someone who has developed some new > and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear > that others would find out about them and start using them. > > Cartesian kiss -- A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: > "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as > Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt > that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded > movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder > overall.) > > Heisenbergian kiss -- a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the > less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the > more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme > versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because > the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if > you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however, > that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy > them. > > Nietzscheian kiss -- "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust > stronger." > > Epimenidian kiss -- a kiss given by someone who does not kiss. > > Grouchoic kiss -- a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who > would not kiss him or her. > > Harpoic kiss -- shut up and kiss me. > > Zenoian kiss -- your lips approach, closer and closer, but never > actually touch. > > Procrustean kiss -- well, suffice it to say that it is a technique > that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, > especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the > lips. > > > Doctor Rude > > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1992 by Trygve Lode (email@example.com) > May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a > noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.