Monty Python/Argument Clinic
 From "Monty Python's Previous Record"
 and "Monty Python's Instant Record Collection"
Originally transcribed by Dan Kay  (dan@reed.uucp)
Fixed up and Added "Complaint" and "Being Hit On The Head lessons"  Aug/ 87
 by Tak Ariga (

The Cast (in order of appearance.)
	M= Man looking for an argument		
	R= Receptionist 				Girl
	Q= Abuser						
	A= Arguer						John Cleese
	C= Complainer 					Eric Idle
	H= Head Hitter 					

M: Ah.  I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir.  Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see.  Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking 
of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for 
a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one 
and then see how it goes.
R: Fine.  Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. 
   Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

   (Walks down the hall.  Opens door.)

M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you [  ]!  Your type really makes me [     ], you 
vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much.  Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You.
   (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

   (Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment.  Is this a five minute argument or the 
full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you.  Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't.  It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't.  An argument is a connected series of statements 
intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is!  It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. 
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
M: Argument is an intellectual process.  Contradiction is just the 
automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
	(short pause)
A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell)
   Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it.  Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another 
five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now.  Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right.
   (pays money)
A: Thank you.
	short pause
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha.  If I didn't pay, why are you arguing?  I Got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have.  If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily.  I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs.  Opens door.)

M: I want to complain.
C: You want to complain!  Look at these shoes.  I've only had them three weeks 
and the heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired 
of this office.

(Slams door.  walks down corridor, opens next door.)

M: Hello, I want to...  Ooooh!
H: No, no, no.  Hold your head like this, then go Waaah.  Try it again. 
M: uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah!  Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now..
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door.  It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept.

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