>       Dear Doctor Rude,
>       I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you
>       explain to me the difference between the following kisses?
>              1. Aristotelian kiss
>              2. Hegelian kiss
>              3. Wittgensteinian kiss
>              4. Godelian kiss
>       Signed,
>         Flummoxed in Florida
> Dear Flummoxed,
> That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on
> secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed
> to the classics in this field any more.  I'll try to make a brief but clear
> summary of some of these important types of kisses:
> Aristotelian kiss -- a kiss performed using techniques gained solely
>      from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data
>      by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.
> Hegelian kiss -- a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates
>      its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.
> Wittgensteinian kiss -- the important thing about this type of kiss is
>      that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental
>      representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which
>      must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for
>      obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even
>      similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than
>      the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make
>      unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience
>      thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.
> Godelian kiss -- a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet
>      leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.
> Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list--here are just a few other
> classic kisses:
> Socratic kiss -- actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be
>      the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however,
>      compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander
>      around a lot more and cover more ground.
> Kantian kiss -- a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is
>      performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't
>      actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it
>      the best kiss you've ever given or received.
> Kafkaesque kiss -- a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to
>      transform you but ends up just bugging you.
> Sartrean kiss -- a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even
>      though it really doesn't matter anyway.
> Russell-Whiteheadian kiss -- a formal kiss in which each lip and
>      tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even
>      though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.
> Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss -- Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.
> Pythagorean kiss -- a kiss given by someone who has developed some new
>      and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear
>      that others would find out about them and start using them.
> Cartesian kiss -- A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement:
>      "I think, therefore, I aim."  In general, a kiss does not count as
>      Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt
>      that one has been kissed.  (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded
>      movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder
>      overall.)
> Heisenbergian kiss -- a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the
>      less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the
>      more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted.  Extreme
>      versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because
>      the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if
>      you were kissed or not.  Virtual kisses have the advantage, however,
>      that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy
>      them.
> Nietzscheian kiss -- "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust
>      stronger."
> Epimenidian kiss -- a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.
> Grouchoic kiss -- a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who
>      would not kiss him or her.
> Harpoic kiss -- shut up and kiss me.
> Zenoian kiss -- your lips approach, closer and closer, but never
>      actually touch.
> Procrustean kiss -- well, suffice it to say that it is a technique
>      that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it,
>      especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the
>      lips.
> Doctor Rude
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1992 by Trygve Lode   (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
> May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
> noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.